'Tween Smokes
Dying for cigarette?
'TWEEN SMOKES
by
Richard Landon
Characters:
POLLY
ED
SCENE: At a diner, a coffee shop, a park bench, anywhere people can relax and have a cigarette...
Polly
You smoking Kools Ed?
I thought you couldn't stand menthol?
Ed
Naaaaw! I didn't know what I was talking about. Sure, like a lotta guys with fragile egos, I went for that deep rich taste of Camels for a while, but then I decided to come up, come up, come all the way up to Kool.
(phony advertising take)
You know what I'm saying?
Polly
You told me Kools were for girls.
Ed
Hey! Who cares what I said? It's a free country, isn't it?
I may not be the smartest guy in the world but, the way I figure, a guy can smoke whatever the hell kinda cigarette he wants!
Polly
Sure he can, Ed! Sure! You don't have to bite my head off.
Ed
Sorry, I must be a little jumpy. I'm trying to cut down again.
I had to give up the Camels. I was developing a bad cough.
'Course I couldn't just quit cold turkey, so I switched to Marlboro Lights; then True Menthol, then a cupla store brands that didn’t quite do the job and, well, then, reluctantly mind you, I tried Kools and the rest is history.
Polly
I'll say one thing for you Ed, you are one cigarette smoking son of a bitch.
Ed
Hey! Can I smoke or can I smoke?
Polly
I never seen anybody smoke like you Ed.
There ain't a guy alive today who can outsmoke you.
What you are you up to?
Three packs a day or what?
Ed
I smoke up to 62 cigarettes a day.
Some days, ok, only 50 or so, but usually 62.
Polly
How do you do it?
Ed
First thing in the morning, I light up. Last thing I do before I go to bed,
I have a cigarette. Then I brush my teeth of course.
Polly
You're quite a smoker Ed, I'll say that for you.
Ed
I'm more than a smoker Polly. I'm a smokist. I don't just smoke, I practice the fine art of smokistics. I have developed "smokismo", my own personal take on smokology.
Polly
What the hell is that?
Ed
I'll tell you what it is. I have 14 different color BIC lighters strategically placed in every area of my house. I can light up anytime I want. I can hold a cigarette in 27 internationally recognized positions.
I'm one of the only people who have ever smoked underwater. Only place I never smoke is in bed. My old man burned himself up smoking in bed. I NEVER smoke in bed. Ok, I'm up at 5:00 for my first cigarette, but I get right up. I don't even sit on the end of the bed puffin' away. I get up and walk around when I wanna smoke.
Polly
You must really love to smoke.
Ed
A man has to have something to believe in in this world and I believe in smoking cigarettes.
So I smoke. Smoke 'em if you got 'em is my motto. I got cigarettes, I'm gonna smoke ‘em.
Polly
I thought you said you were tryin' to cut down.
Ed
Yeah, well... I am, really! I'm tryin’ to quit. The doctor says I shouldn't smoke so much, so I'm trying to cut down. I'm down to 32 cigarettes so far today. I'm getting a little grouchy.
Polly
It’s ok, Ed, I understand, believe me. You have my sympathy. Tell you what: I'll bum a cigarette off you, ok?
Ed
Sorry, this is my last pack and it has to last me until payday. I'm gonna need every last one of 'em.
Polly
I only want one cigarette Ed. I'll help you cut down.
C'mon, just one?
Ed
I don't know...
Polly
Please?
Ed
I don't know...
Polly
C'mon Ed. I’m dying for a cigarette. Please!? PLEASE??
Ed
If you're gonna be that way about it... ok, just one!
Polly
I'll smoke it real slow to make it last.
Ed
Smoke it like this.
(He demonstrates an elaborate technique in the style of smokismo)
You smoke as long as I have, you get creative. You really learn how to smoke. You get creative. No use smoking unless you're gonna do it right. You gotta develop a style when you smoke. Anybody can stick a butt between their lips and puff away. But not everyone develops a unique style. I smoke a lot just to develop my technique. No sense smokin’ if you're just gonna suck it into your lungs like everybody else. You gotta work the cigarette. You have to get your body English down and then all your various movements. It's more than smoking a cigarette, it's an art, that's what it is. The way I smoke is an art.
Polly
That's for sure. I never seen anybody smoke as good as you Ed.
I admire you for that. You are definitely the king of cigarette smokers.
Ed
Smokist. I'm a smokist.
Polly
Oh yeah, I almost forgot.
Ed
You're are smoker Polly. I'm a smokist. Let me ask you something. Have to you ever seen me without a cigarette? If I wasn't smokin’, I had just put one out or I was about to light up again.
I carry two packs in my coat, a pack in my pants, ‘cupla packs in my car. I know where to get any brand of cigarette any hour of the day or night. No matter where I am, or what I'm doing, I'm never more than three feet from a cigarette. Check this out. (He shows her a genuine alligator skin lighter)
Polly
Great case Ed.
Ed
And that's genuine alligator skin there Polly. Not one of your cheap plastic imitations. This is the real thing, from a real alligator. They grow 'em on real alligator farms down in Florida where they make the wallets. I got this at Disney World.
Polly
Gimme a light here would you Ed?
Ed
Oh sure, here ya go.
(Flicks lighter. No response. Flicks again. Nothing. Flicks 20 times. Nothing.)
Ok, ok, ok, I have another lighter.
(Frantic rummage begins.)
CURTAIN
"Smokismo!" Lol