Al’s Punchout Service
(Darrell answers the phone)
Al’s Punchout service, Darrell speaking.
No, Al ain’t here.
He’s out on a house call beatin’ up a couple of guys.
Sure by himself.
Oh no, no…one at a time.
About an hour.
Depends on how badly you need to get punched out.
You want someone else punched out, you want to get it?
I see.
No. No eye gouging.
No sharp sticks.
He uses a rubber mallet sometimes. It’s extra.
Hey, we’re talking’ retribution, revenge, punishment, self-abnegation, not injury!
Sure, we get to the suburbs.
You pay gas and tolls.
What’s your problem?
(LONG PAUSE WHILE CALLER EXPLAINS)
Uh huh. Uh huh.
I don’t think Al will be able to get to you tonight.
Listen: if you really need some service tonight, while you’re waiting for Al, why don’t you beat your head against the wall a couple of times, see what happens.
I’ll wait.
(Pause)
Feel any better?
Ok, so try it again, only this time, stand back and run into the wall.
(pause)
How was that?
I said: how was that?
You feel a little dazed, but not convinced.
Tell you what” why don’t you drop a bowling ball on your foot, or something until Al can get to you.
Ok, then how about smacking yourself with a rolled up magazine?
Or maybe a frying pan?
Sure, it’s hurts! But you will feel a lot better when it’s over.
It’s also a lot cheaper if you can do it yourself.
Sure, Al can punch you out much better, but he might not be able to get to you for a while.
Lemme check the list.
Earliest Al can get to you is….9:30.
I’m sorry. It’s the holidays, we’re really busy.
No, no, no, Easter is the worst.
All those religious fanatics.
Ten bucks per punch but Al guarantees his work. If it doesn’t work the first time, he punches you again.
And, again, for free until you’re satisfied, or unconscious, whichever comes first.
Hey, Al doesn’t fool around.
You won’t feel much of anything after the first cupla punches, but if you think you deserve it, it’s the only way to go.
Yes, we will flail you.
Suede covered black hose. Never leaves a mark.
Nope.
I told you, no sharp sticks!
We could get into a lot of trouble for that.
Yeah, we used to, sure, but now mostly we just punch people out.
Maybe we might kick ‘em around a little, if they want.
It’s like anything else, you get what you pay for. No charge for bruises
Lacerations are a buck apiece.
Al signs 'em so you can brag.
We guarantee our work.
Nobody complains they didn’t get punched out right when Al comes over to do the job.
No, sir, he does not maim.
Nothing fancy, no bloodshed with intent, just a good old-fashioned punch your lights out.
You know, a bust in the mouth, a crack in the teeth, if you know what I mean.
It’s just a joke. Ha ha!
(Pause)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what’re you a wise guy?
If I didn't have to stay here an answer the phone, I’d come over there myself, you creep, and give you a little what for on my own.
Oh yeah?
You think so?
I’ll tell you what, smartass, you need more than a good slap in the face. I’d take the wind outta your sails in a hurry, you jerk.]
Oh yeah?
I’ll shove your teeth right down your throat.
Same to you, asshole!
Ok, sewer mouth, I’ll tell you what:
I’ll come over there right now and pound the crap out of you myself.
You’ll be singing a different tune!
Hey, lemme worry about the phone, shit for brains.
I’m on my way.
Huh?
Credit or debit?
Cash is never a problem.
No, I'm sorry we don’t take checks.
Ok, maybe some other time
Yeah, I'm sorry too.
Tell you what, how about a come over there later and slap you around a little for cupla bucks.
You could dig it/
Ok, so where do you live, Toad face?
Uh huh…uh huh…
END
"Toad face"! Bahahaha